WTF?

ipoh, 9 MAC

aku lepak sorang2 kat taman depan stesen keretapi ipoh sambil smoking..
pastu tibe2 datang sorang pakcik dalam umur 40-50an..

Pakcik: Hai

Aku angkat tangan kat die..

Pakcik: Ramai orang india mabuk la depan tu.. risau pakcik..

Aku: Ouh..

Tanpa dipelawa, pakcik tu duduk sebelah aku..

Pakcik: buat ape sini?

Aku: saje je lepak.. tak boleh tidur.. tidur kat hotel tu malam ni..

Pakcik: oh.. belajar lagi?

Aku: a'ah.. pakcik kerje ape?

Pakcik: kerje dekat pejabat peguam

Aku: pakcik lawyer la eh?

Pakcik: boleh la

Aku: ouh.. dulu saye ingat nak study law jugak

then kitorg sembang pasal lawyer

Aku: last time saye datang ipoh ni, saye terlantar kat hospital sebab kaki saye patah

Pakcik: ouh.. mane yang patah?

pakcik tu picit2 kaki aku.. then kitorg sembang pasal jenayah pulak

Pakcik: dulu kat sini ade dua org strangers tu mule2 baik je sembang sampai macam ni

sambil letak tangan atas bahu aku

Pakcik: tapi lepas tu salah sorang kluarkan pisau mintak duit

Aku: ouh..

Pakcik: malam makin sejuk ni.. kalau kene dakap sedap jugak

Aku: ok la pakcik.. makin sejuk ni.. saye nak naik dulu.. nanti risau esok lambat bangun pulak terlepas bas..

pakcik tu hulur tangan nak salam..

Pakcik: saye naim

Aku: syahmin

Pakcik: tidur sorang kan kat bilik.. perlukan teman dakap tak? sejuk ni..

Aku: erk.. takpe lah..

Pakcik: Nak pakcik dakap x? sejuk2 ni sedap kene dakap..

Aku: .....

then aku blah dari situ.. gile punye gay.. dah tuwe2 pun.. patut la aku prasan kat kaunter tiket keretapi, die asyik usha aku je..

-the PAST-

Wednesday,31st December

Penang, 1 hour before the clock hits 12,

its fun to be out of the fuckin military college
where finally there will be no rules
we were having fun.. enjoying ourselves..
we know its everything we want

tomorrow

finally.. tomorrow i will get my ass out of kedah..
away to KL for an appointment at the I.A.M. RMAF KL base..

i still remember after SPM, me and fizree applied for MAS cadet,
the passion came when someone from pahang department of blah.. blah.. blah..
keep calling me captain syahmin (an aircraft captain) when he was briefing
SMART student of my age..

but then 1 day i read this advertisement of joining the military pilot..
at first i was not interested.. but then my aunt really urged to try..
so i applied.. being in military was not something on my mind.. i rather be in police department since i was active in police cadet back in my school days..

so i went to the interview for 10 days.. i survived n i did it..
i went back to kuantan n think about the offer.. being in military?
can i make it? will i survive? damn it.. it was really an important decision..
the decision that will lead the path of the rest of my life..
do i really want to be in military? actually not..

but my family seems excited that i passed the interview..
so i think its ok.. i would do it for them.. for my family..
so on 28th may 2008, i left kuantan for alor star..
start a new chapter of my life..
kuantan..
where i was born and raised for nearly 18 years..
n finally i left the town..

on 070605.. ive sworn to be a soldier, to protect the country..
which means i cant leave the service..
but then my sis revealed that they hid the offer from matric & uitm (law) from me so dat i wont turn back on my decision..
she also revealed that i got the offer from MAS after ive sworn to be in the military.. DAMN!

my squad, diploma cadet officers class of 2008..
59 bloody cadet officers with 1 aim - to become an RMAF aviator
we've been through lots of pain & joy..
creating comradeship among us..
changed the way we think.. learned to survive in pain..
working under pressure..

in order to become a military pilot..
a personnel must get through the survival course..
as like a license to get to the no.1 flying training centre..

so i got my left tibia fractured during the survival course..
i kept thinking are they going to discharge me?
kick me out from the air force..
they didnt.. but they are going to send me to I.A.M
to checked whether im still fit for flying..

if not.. they would change me to other traits..
probably as a management officer, a logistic officer
or an air traffic controller..

which means not a pilot.. so.. i think its ok as long as she's still going to accept me.. im going to be an officer anyway.. a job.. but the passion in flying is still there..

so tomorrow i will start my journey to kl..
do pray for me k..

*I.A.M. = institue of aviation medical
*SMART = SEK MEN keb ABDUL RAHMAN TALIB
*im writing this while on d'phone with my gurl so pardon the language..
huhuh..

this morning

this morning i woke up at 5.50am..
i can still hear her breathing on the phone..
i tried to wake her up to tell i must leave for breakfast..
she didnt answer.. nearly 6am so i rushed to the assembly field
before 6 so dat i wont be punished for being late..

after breakfast i ran back to my room..
she was still on the phone.. i tried to wake her up
but there was no reaction.. so i ended the call..
and call her again hoping the ringtone could wake her up..
but it failed no matter how many times i tried..

i called her house..
still there was no ansewer from anyone..
what the hell is going on?
is it my fault for letting her fell asleep?
damn it.. shouldve stayed much longer..

today..

this morning i called her..
she told me she feels quite unwell..
so i told her not to go for work..
but later around 8 she said the human resource department just called..
so she had to go to the damn factory anyway..

n i was sleeping in the class during other groups' presentation..
until break, i called her.. she said she was planning on going back home..
everything seemed ok.. we laughed.. n her voice wuz like she's doing fine..

i had to go back to class so we sms..
planning on our date.. where can we meet.. n when..
until i fell asleep when i returned to tmn siswa..

been sleeping for more than 4 hours..
n when i woke up.. i recieved 17 misscalls..
but texted her saying im sorry n i had to go for dinner..
when i returned to my room.. i recieved offline messages from neex
asking where was i? her friend been calling me..

neex told me she fainted at her work place..
her nose was bleeding n now she's hospitalized..
so i called her but there was no answer..

until now im waiting for any news from neex..
i hope she's recovering.. n everything will be just fine..
n i can hear her voice again..

perhaps it was my fault for not doing my best to stop her when she was trying to ruin her life.. i was there like her diary listening to stories of her life..
i shouldve make her happy from beginning.. n have the guts to tell her my real feelings to her.. but i was afraid.. n it was stupid..
i just watched when she exchanged those fat guys without stopping her..

if only i had the strength from beginning, maybe i could prevent this from happen..
but i was blind.. so damn blind to see.. shit..
i just want to be with her..
i still remember the day i broke up with my ex..
i said its ok because i still have my soul mate by my side..
but if she's disappear too.. i dont know what to do..
probably going to end up losing my direction..

so bby,
get well soon..
i need u..
so bad..

If I Am

So your standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall.
So far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly,
Im not content to crawl...
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith
I want to be with you forever,
If tommorows not too late...

But its always too late when youve got nothing
So you say...
But you should never let the sun set on tommorow,
Before the sun rises today...
If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...

So your walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But youre so far gone,
That you dont see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that youve been handed
For though you cannot fly,
Youre not content to crawl...
And its always too late when youve got nothing
So you say...
But you should never let the sun set on tommorow,
Before the sun rises...

If I am
Another waste of everything you hoped for,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So youre standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...

The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You dont talk of dreams,
I wont mention tommorow.
And we wont make those promises that we cant keep...
I will never leave you..
I will not let you down..
I will never leave you..
I will not let you down..

Feb 20th

it's 30 mins past 12.. been a month since she became mine.. i called but there was no answer.. it makes me even more worry of whats going on.. i didnt sleep last night.. i was there with her.. listening to every single words she said.. shes unwell.. her health condition.. she was crying because of her pain.. i wish i could be there with her.. take a good care of her.. but my life stuck in a place where rules are everything.. everything should be done in proper way.. damn i hate rules when the rules is the thing been keeping me away from her.. i wish i could become invisible and appear in her town.. her house.. by her side.. even in her sleep, i can tell she was struggling with her pain.. if only i could find the right elixir for her.. whatever its takes.. whatever it costs.. but still.. i believe the pain is just temporary.. soon it will be gone and my juliet will have a happy life by my side till the end of our lives..