Story of a Pair of Shoes

It was a very hot day.. I was inside of a cab.. Looking through the window.. Its been almost 7 years.. 7 years of my life i've spent here.. the land of paddy field.. i cant wait to get myself out of here.. I want to see the world outside.. What its like to be in an operational squadron.. I've been a trainee all this time..

And the cab stopped in front of restaurant.. I paid RM3 to the driver and walk out of the cab with a friend.. As i stepped out of the cab, I felt something wrong with my left shoe.. "Oh, snap.. the back of my shoe got torn off.. i need to get a new pair quickly." I said to my friend.

So we walked to a shoes store not far away. I chose a new size 7 pair of shoes suitable with our very own dress code.. and then i stared at the old torn off shoe and suddenly a flash of memory came out..

It was raining over a town well known for its tin mining activities in the past.. i had a stomach ache and fever as my body trying to fit in with the new environment after spending weeks in the jungle with no food ration..

I need to buy a pair of shoes before moving into the officers mess. So, she brought me to a shoes store near her house.. i had difficulties in choosing the right pattern, the right design, the right size and the right price for me and finally found one.. it was just a pair of cheap shoes.. nothing special about it..

Back in her house, her mother showed me shoes that her father don't need anymore.. she asked me to choose any but i refused.. and later her father laughed at me after she told him i bought a cheap Bata shoes while her father was wearing Salvatore Ferragamo..

Its ok uncle.. i dont need an expensive pair of shoes just to be worn in a place i hate so much.. I believed its going to torn off real soon after all the tough activities i'm going to face.

So it was the shoes i've been wearing since the first day of flying school.. the same shoes when i went out with her every weekends.. the same shoes when she was still with me.. the same shoes..

"Would you like to keep these shoes inside of the box, sir?" the salesgirl asked. "No, i need to wear them immidietly." I replied. "So, What about those old shoes of yours? Would u like me to put them inside of the box?" She asked. I took a few seconds thinking and finally i said, "Just get rid of it."

As i walked out of the store.. i took a quick glance at those shoes before the salesgirl tossed it into the trash basket..

friendship vs comradeship

Friendship:
is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism.

Comradeship:
means "friend", "colleague", or "ally". The word comes from French camarade from Latin camera (room). The term has seen use in the military.

to me, my friends are those who grew up with me.. we shared our happy & sad
memories.. and until now we still hang out whenever im in town.. and they will be upset if i didnt notify them if ever i could get a chance to get home.. hang out at coffee street or taj, megamall.. talk about all the stupid memories.. the exs.. the chicks.. the gossip, the studies, & present condition..

my colleagues who i considered as my comrades are people who work with me in the air force.. or the common term is my squad.. but the loyalty is vulnerable.. one day, they could be my superior which would make me call them sirs.. obey them and work under them.. they could order me to do whatever and even scold me or punish me.. otherwise, they could be my subordinates working under me and the same thing would happen to them.. thats how the military system work.. its hard to break the bonds created but thats what service before self is all about.. i used to say that service before self are words of hypocrite people.. but ive seen people who made it as their self-doctrine.. and they succeed.. and how important the system is to make the command functioning..

so, my true friends are those who grew up with me.. ex-smartians.. hommies.. but still the comradeship is required in the service..

to my friends.. thanx everyone..
thanx for being there for me..
despite the sudden change inside me..
and the different world im living in..

angels & demons

its time to head back to the north..
its time to leave my family..
my hometown..
everyone and everything i love..

back to a place where i have to become a different person..
a different person than who i am here..
here i am a lazy laid back guy..
totally depending on my mother and sisters..
its hard for me to move my lazy butt just to help them in the kitchen..
i am a king over here..

but back in the north..
i am forced to do things against my will..
but i have to..
even if i have to caused myself injuries..

discipline..
made of fear..
fear is the reason why i obey..
fear of the pain n mental torture..
i hate the pain..
but the pain has made me the man i have become today..
all the sweats.. all the scars..
taught me a lot..
taught me not to give up..

i almost fall once..
for running away from the pain..
but now i surrender..
surrendering myself to my fate..
preparing to face the uncertain..
and all the pain that is incoming..

words..

i just realized how words can be so lethal..
so lethal that it could pierce the heart..
so painful that i couldnt even move a muscle..
i held my breath..

i shed my tears..
i couldnt say a word..
for it might expose the feelings..

please do understand..
i never wanna leave in a condition like this..
how can i get myself calm
when its raining at the other side..

pretending is the least i can do..
by hoping that it would stop the rain..
so that i could enjoy the journey..
soon, i'll be back as promised..

do understand me..

a week after my commissioning day

so here i am..
in front of my sis' lappy..
im back in my hometown, kuantan..
but my friends left the town already..
starting their new semester..

BAD TIMING~ BAD TIMING~

this is what u get for choosing a path different than the others..
im a leftenant now (lieutenant but i prefer the british pronunciation.. huhu)
1 week left, n i dunno what to do..
gosh.. 7 days? i dont wanna go back~
i dont wanna go back~

i have to go back repeating my survival course once this break is over..
hopefully everything will go smoothly..
and then, reporting to RMAF No.1 Flying Training Centre..
yea.. where killers are born..
of course i dont expect the training to be easy..
for the wing, syahmin.. for the wing..
have to get mentally & physically prepared..
well thats life..
thats military life..

21st JUNE 2008

Location: Segari, Perak
Time: 1530H

Hari tu giliran aku jadi ketua semua pelatih kursus ikhtihar hidup (survival). Ala.. yg macam game show survivor dalam tv tu.. tapi kitorg punye lain sket.. kalau ade vote siape yg nak kne kluar aku rase mesti budak2 ni berebut nak balik dulu.. hahaha.. tapi kitorg kene buat bende ni kalau untuk jadi air crew dalam tudm.. & kitorg pulak calon2 pilot tudm. Confirm la xboleh escape.

Aku baru je lepas in charge budak2 ni set up markas untuk instructor. Nasib aku agak malang sebab jadi ketua hari perpindahan kawasan latihan dari ipoh base ke hutan. Jadi, banyak perkara aku kena make sure.
Tapi ok jugak sebab instructor tak kasi aku buat kerje. Diorg suruh aku monitor & make sure kerje jalan je.. huhu.. dah settle kerje, sampai dah mase untuk kitorg start latihan balik. Kali ni latihan compass marching & map reading. Kitorg dibahagi kepada berberapa group2 kecil.

N skarang, time untuk gerak ke D.O.P. (drop off point)
Aku: ok group 1-7 naik 1st bas.. 8-14 naik 2nd bas.. move! Move!

So, kitorang start naik bas & bawak barang2 including back pack, water bottle, & weapon.. so, agak berat la nak jalan jauh. Aku 1 group dgn man, golo, sujak, jamil, weng, budu & seli. Dalam bas, kitorg start bukak map & observe area yg kitorg lalu so dapat la agak brape jauh kene jalan. Repi dari group lain duduk sebelah aku. Dalam bas, aku termenung fikir pasal bende yg kitorg nak buat ni.

3-4 tahun lepas aku xpernah terfikir pun aku akan sampai level macam ni. Duduk rumah, makan free, pergi sekolah, balik rumah, tidur, main bola, lepak dengan kawan2. xterfikir aku akan buat bende2 yg tough & challenging macam ni. Cari makan sendiri dalam hutan? Gile ape..

Repi: eyp, termenung cam ade masalah je.. ko ok x?
Aku: ish, xde ape2 la..

Finally, sampai kat area estate kelape sawit.. kitorg turun bas & masuk ikut group.. instructor bagi coordinate check point & mase utk sampai check point tu so golo & sujak volunteer nak bawak dulu. Bace map, set compass & ikut bearing. Kitorg gerak ikut kawad tempur seksyen. So seli jadi peninjau kat depan.. sujak & golo drive kitorg.. aku & budu paling belakang.

1st time kitorg gerak tanpa ladies or kadet UPNM.. so, movement agak laju la.. kitorg yakin dapat kluar awal dari ladang tu.. tengah2 jalan, ade sorang lelaki berbangsa cina selisih dengan kitorg naik motor. Kitorg tahan.

Kitorg: Uncle, mane jalan nak sampai tempat ni? (sambil tunjuk map)
Uncle: lu olang lalu jalan sana.. belok kanan nanti sampai terus. Haiya.. lu olang
bawak sinapang.. nanti nampak babi kasi tembak. Kasi sama uncle.
Kitorg: hahaha.. xda hal la uncle.. trime kaseh..

Dalam perjalanan tu banyak halangan kitorg redah. Pelepah sawit main pijak2 je.. banyak parit saliran kitorg cross. Hari tu aku rase kaki aku sangat kuat. N kitorg jalan pun agak laju. Finally kitorg nampak sebuah perkampungan. Sebelum sampai tu ade anjing liar menyalak dekat kitorg dari jauh.

Aku: aku tembak jugak kang anjing ni (sambil aim steyr aku kat anjing tu)
Budu: weh, jom la gerak.. da nampak rumah tu..
Aku: haha.. rumah yg mane kite nak mintak makanan ni?

Then kitorang cross parit yg last sbelum sampai kampung tu.. aku org yg last cross parit tu.. tanah agak licin, so aku pilih untuk lompat atas pelepah kelapa sawit kat seberang parit tu..

PRAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aku: pelepah ni patah ke? Nape kaki aku rase lembik? Jangan2.. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH...

Aku rebahkan badan aku then aku berguling2 jatuh dalam parit tu.. slamat xde air.. group aku dengar bunyi prakk n bunyi aku jerit so diorg pusing balik pergi kat aku.

Man: ko ok x?
Aku: kaki aku patah..
Man: terseliuh?
Aku: patah betul..

Diorg tengok kaki aku terkulai cam dalam video boxing dalam metacafe. Diorg turun bukak beg, weapon & uniform aku. Man kipas2kan aku dengan uniform. Weng suruh aku mengucap & bace fatihah. Seli & golo pergi cari instructor. Sujak & budu mintak tolong dari orang kampung.
Weng: camne bleh jadi camni?
Aku: pelepah tu tergelincir, kaki aku terlipat.
Weng: astagfirullah.. selawat banyak2

Man balut kaki aku dengan uniform. Alas dengan pelepah kelape sawit.

Man: ok x?
Aku: ok2

Makin lame makin xsakit dah. Budak2 ni buat lawak & aku boleh gelak2 dah. Tapi kalau gerak kaki kiri aku.. die punye sakit, pergh~ sujak bawak 2 orang berbangsa india yg tinggal kat kampung tu. Diorg bawak makanan. Nak hantar aku pergi hospital xboleh sebab kereta diorg rosak. Aku pun xberani nak kasi diorg angkat aku keluar dari situ. Takut jadi makin buruk.

Hari makin senja. Instructor x sampai lagi. Diorg letupkan thunder flash sebagai tanda emergency supaya instructor dapat dengar tapi xde org datang jugak. Then sujak nak tembak live bullet ke udara.

Sujak: aku nak tembak burst live bullet la..
Aku: jangan jak, nanti satu kerje pulak ko nak kne menjawab..

Time aku patah tu dalam 1815H tapi hari da gelap.. rescue xsampai2 lagi.. diorg start hidupkan unggun api. Ade jugak group lain lalu tmpat tu tp budak2 group aku xkasi diorg stop & tengok aku sebab takut akan jatuhkan moral diorg. So, diorg kasi aku rokok yg diorg dapat dari mane ntah. N kitorg makan biskut & air teh yg orang kampung tu kasi.

Man: uncle, ade tanik x? kasi die mabuk sket kasi hilang itu rase sakit.
Aku: xyah buat gile la.. aku ok je ni..
Man: hahaha

Tapi aku terfikir jugak camne dengan future aku? Boleh lagi ke aku nak fly? Biasenye orang2 patah ni kne grounded.. haish.. man tenangkan aku.. die crite pasal senior2 yang patah tp still boleh jadi best student kat flying centre tu.
Kitorg perasan ade tikus dalam parit tu.

Man: aku rase elok ko kluar la dari parit ni.. klau ade tikus, pemangsa die
mesti ade jugak.. aku malas la nak sebut
Aku: xpayah la man.. aku risau makin teruk la
Man: ok, kite nyalakan lilin dulu, kalau unggun api nnt ko jugak yg panas

So, diorg nyalakan lilin.. kat dpan & blakang aku. Rase cam diorg buat ritual memuja nombor ekor pun ade. Hahaha.. tp lame2 diorg rase kne kluarkan aku dari situ jugak & aku pun terpakse la merelakan. Tengah diorg nak angkat aku, nampak motor datang. Instructor sampai.

Instructor: tunggu situ sampai land rover sampai
Aku: ok. Weng, apsal land rover pulak? Askar gile.. mane pergi amblulance?
Weng: haha.. layan je la

So, xjadi kluarkan aku. Then land rover sampai.. diorg angkat aku pkai stretcher. Tapi kaki aku senget la pulak & aku xboleh control kaki aku tu. Baru la aku sedar kepentingan tulang ni. Huhu.

Aku: arghh.. man.. kaki aku senget..
Man: ok2..

Man betulkan kaki aku. Memang mase tu aku percayekan man je. Then aku suruh budak2 ni ambik barang2 aku & bekalan makanan. Sbb aku da xperlukan bende2 tu. Aku tau kurus survival aku da abes n lpas ni aku akan makan free dlm wad. Huhuhu.

Land rover gerak. Nak keluar ladang tu jalan agak bumpy so agak xbaik untuk kaki aku la sbb bile gerak, aku rase tulang tu mencucuk2 daging aku. So, aku mencarut je sambil didengari staff perubatan yg jage aku kat belakang.

Aku: oh shit! Fuck! Hadei! Hadei! Argh! Shit! Hadei! Rokok sikeettt…
Staff: ok tapi jangan kasi instructor ko nampak
Aku: ok2

So, land rover tu bawak aku sampai klinik kesihatan pantai remis. Sampai2 je aku dengar orang cakap2 kat luar land rover tu.

Orang: ape jadi ni? Hidup lagi ke?

Gile.. sampai ke situ orang tu fikir. Then medical attendant datang nak bawak aku masuk klinik kesihatan tu. Instructor aku, En. Amran nak bukak boot aku tapi gile ape.. saket dowh..

Aku: arrgghh..takpe2 encik.. saye bukak sendiri..

Padahal aku sendiri pun xdapat nak bukak tanpa rase saket. Huhu. Then datang orang klinik tu gunting tali boot & rentap terus.. pergh~ then diorg masukkan air dalam badan aku & bawak aku naik ambulance pergi ke hospital sri manjung. Dalam ambulance aku borak2 dgn nurse tu. Die ckp, dlm ambulance tu baru lpas ade org meninggal eksiden. Xsempat sampai hospital. Huh!? Then sampai hospital, aku nampak orang eksiden lagi. Cam satu family.. bangsa cina. Tapi luke2 je.

Diorg bawak aku pergi bilik x-ray. Time nak x-ray tu mamat tu suruh aku hold sendiri kaki aku.. pergh~ terketar2 aku tahan sakit. Then diorg bawak aku pergi bilik plaster P.O.P. ala.. yg korang panggil simen tu.. sampai situ, diorg nak luruskan balik kaki aku.. xde bius ke ape PAP! Diorg rentap & tarik je kaki aku. Pergh~ meraung la aku. Instructor aku tengok gelak2.. hehehe.. ade ke..

Then diorg bawak aku pergi masuk wad. Instructor aku kene balik dulu. So, aku lepak la sorang2. nurse suruh aku tukar baju wad yg kaler ijo tu.. tp aku prefer pkai uniform aku.. nampak cam askar yg gugur dlm medan pertempuran sket.. cheyh~ huhu.. tp aku xboleh gerak so diorg gunting seluar aku.. dalam seluar tu pulak ade seluar lagi.. n makcik2 tu banyak komen pulak.. huhuhuhu.. tibe2 datang sorang doc ni nak check. Mude lagi. Bangsa India. Sangat lemah lembut. Sopan santun. Tapi die nak check kaki aku so, nak bukak balik plaster.. gile la.. bersusah payah aku tahan sakit time diorg balut. Skang kne bukak balik pulak.

Then aku tidur. Esok tu nurse suruh aku blajar pkai wheel chair. Mule2 susah tp pastu sronok jugak. Huhu. Boleh la aku gerak2 pergi tengok tv. Tp aku da start rase bosan. En. Amran datang bawak berus gigi & makanan sket. Aku mintak die belikan aku surat khabar pasal bosan tahap gaban da.. then die ckp pasal nak pindahkan aku ke hospital tentera kat lumut tp nurse nasihatkan aku pergi hospital ipoh. So, instructor follow je la. Lagipun senang duty officer nak check.

Ok jugak sbb best friend aku tinggal kat ipoh (mase tu best friend lagi la… huhuh) boleh la die tengok2kan aku.. huhuhu.. so aku naik ambulance pergi hospital ipoh pulak.

leaving on a military truck (part II)

*my poyo pic.. huhu

tomorrow i'll be leaving again for our final combat training
that will conclude my military training here
for 4 freakin years..

after that i will start the training for my passing out parade..
yeay!~ free education completed, finally..
dip in mechanical aeronautic engineering..
and a secure steady job awaits me..

its not easy to get here..
its not easy being here..

*to my beloved izzati nadzri,
have fun for ya bandung trip, k..
have a safe journey..