my world

friendship vs comradeship

2009-12-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

Friendship:
is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism.

Comradeship:
means "friend", "colleague", or "ally". The word comes from French camarade from Latin camera (room). The term has seen use in the military.

to me, my friends are those who grew up with me.. we shared our happy & sad
memories.. and until now we still hang out whenever im in town.. and they will be upset if i didnt notify them if ever i could get a chance to get home.. hang out at coffee street or taj, megamall.. talk about all the stupid memories.. the exs.. the chicks.. the gossip, the studies, & present condition..

my colleagues who i considered as my comrades are people who work with me in the air force.. or the common term is my squad.. but the loyalty is vulnerable.. one day, they could be my superior which would make me call them sirs.. obey them and work under them.. they could order me to do whatever and even scold me or punish me.. otherwise, they could be my subordinates working under me and the same thing would happen to them.. thats how the military system work.. its hard to break the bonds created but thats what service before self is all about.. i used to say that service before self are words of hypocrite people.. but ive seen people who made it as their self-doctrine.. and they succeed.. and how important the system is to make the command functioning..

so, my true friends are those who grew up with me.. ex-smartians.. hommies.. but still the comradeship is required in the service..

to my friends.. thanx everyone..
thanx for being there for me..
despite the sudden change inside me..
and the different world im living in..

angels & demons

2009-09-26T02:47:00.001-07:00

its time to head back to the north..
its time to leave my family..
my hometown..
everyone and everything i love..

back to a place where i have to become a different person..
a different person than who i am here..
here i am a lazy laid back guy..
totally depending on my mother and sisters..
its hard for me to move my lazy butt just to help them in the kitchen..
i am a king over here..

but back in the north..
i am forced to do things against my will..
but i have to..
even if i have to caused myself injuries..

discipline..
made of fear..
fear is the reason why i obey..
fear of the pain n mental torture..
i hate the pain..
but the pain has made me the man i have become today..
all the sweats.. all the scars..
taught me a lot..
taught me not to give up..

i almost fall once..
for running away from the pain..
but now i surrender..
surrendering myself to my fate..
preparing to face the uncertain..
and all the pain that is incoming..

words..

2009-07-14T05:35:00.000-07:00

i just realized how words can be so lethal..
so lethal that it could pierce the heart..
so painful that i couldnt even move a muscle..
i held my breath..

i shed my tears..
i couldnt say a word..
for it might expose the feelings..

please do understand..
i never wanna leave in a condition like this..
how can i get myself calm
when its raining at the other side..

pretending is the least i can do..
by hoping that it would stop the rain..
so that i could enjoy the journey..
soon, i'll be back as promised..

do understand me..

a week after my commissioning day

2009-07-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

so here i am..
in front of my sis' lappy..
im back in my hometown, kuantan..
but my friends left the town already..
starting their new semester..

BAD TIMING~ BAD TIMING~

this is what u get for choosing a path different than the others..
im a leftenant now (lieutenant but i prefer the british pronunciation.. huhu)
1 week left, n i dunno what to do..
gosh.. 7 days? i dont wanna go back~
i dont wanna go back~

i have to go back repeating my survival course once this break is over..
hopefully everything will go smoothly..
and then, reporting to RMAF No.1 Flying Training Centre..
yea.. where killers are born..
of course i dont expect the training to be easy..
for the wing, syahmin.. for the wing..
have to get mentally & physically prepared..
well thats life..
thats military life..

21st JUNE 2008

2009-06-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Location: Segari, Perak
Time: 1530H

Hari tu giliran aku jadi ketua semua pelatih kursus ikhtihar hidup (survival). Ala.. yg macam game show survivor dalam tv tu.. tapi kitorg punye lain sket.. kalau ade vote siape yg nak kne kluar aku rase mesti budak2 ni berebut nak balik dulu.. hahaha.. tapi kitorg kene buat bende ni kalau untuk jadi air crew dalam tudm.. & kitorg pulak calon2 pilot tudm. Confirm la xboleh escape.

Aku baru je lepas in charge budak2 ni set up markas untuk instructor. Nasib aku agak malang sebab jadi ketua hari perpindahan kawasan latihan dari ipoh base ke hutan. Jadi, banyak perkara aku kena make sure.
Tapi ok jugak sebab instructor tak kasi aku buat kerje. Diorg suruh aku monitor & make sure kerje jalan je.. huhu.. dah settle kerje, sampai dah mase untuk kitorg start latihan balik. Kali ni latihan compass marching & map reading. Kitorg dibahagi kepada berberapa group2 kecil.

N skarang, time untuk gerak ke D.O.P. (drop off point)
Aku: ok group 1-7 naik 1st bas.. 8-14 naik 2nd bas.. move! Move!

So, kitorang start naik bas & bawak barang2 including back pack, water bottle, & weapon.. so, agak berat la nak jalan jauh. Aku 1 group dgn man, golo, sujak, jamil, weng, budu & seli. Dalam bas, kitorg start bukak map & observe area yg kitorg lalu so dapat la agak brape jauh kene jalan. Repi dari group lain duduk sebelah aku. Dalam bas, aku termenung fikir pasal bende yg kitorg nak buat ni.

3-4 tahun lepas aku xpernah terfikir pun aku akan sampai level macam ni. Duduk rumah, makan free, pergi sekolah, balik rumah, tidur, main bola, lepak dengan kawan2. xterfikir aku akan buat bende2 yg tough & challenging macam ni. Cari makan sendiri dalam hutan? Gile ape..

Repi: eyp, termenung cam ade masalah je.. ko ok x?
Aku: ish, xde ape2 la..

Finally, sampai kat area estate kelape sawit.. kitorg turun bas & masuk ikut group.. instructor bagi coordinate check point & mase utk sampai check point tu so golo & sujak volunteer nak bawak dulu. Bace map, set compass & ikut bearing. Kitorg gerak ikut kawad tempur seksyen. So seli jadi peninjau kat depan.. sujak & golo drive kitorg.. aku & budu paling belakang.

1st time kitorg gerak tanpa ladies or kadet UPNM.. so, movement agak laju la.. kitorg yakin dapat kluar awal dari ladang tu.. tengah2 jalan, ade sorang lelaki berbangsa cina selisih dengan kitorg naik motor. Kitorg tahan.

Kitorg: Uncle, mane jalan nak sampai tempat ni? (sambil tunjuk map)
Uncle: lu olang lalu jalan sana.. belok kanan nanti sampai terus. Haiya.. lu olang
bawak sinapang.. nanti nampak babi kasi tembak. Kasi sama uncle.
Kitorg: hahaha.. xda hal la uncle.. trime kaseh..

Dalam perjalanan tu banyak halangan kitorg redah. Pelepah sawit main pijak2 je.. banyak parit saliran kitorg cross. Hari tu aku rase kaki aku sangat kuat. N kitorg jalan pun agak laju. Finally kitorg nampak sebuah perkampungan. Sebelum sampai tu ade anjing liar menyalak dekat kitorg dari jauh.

Aku: aku tembak jugak kang anjing ni (sambil aim steyr aku kat anjing tu)
Budu: weh, jom la gerak.. da nampak rumah tu..
Aku: haha.. rumah yg mane kite nak mintak makanan ni?

Then kitorang cross parit yg last sbelum sampai kampung tu.. aku org yg last cross parit tu.. tanah agak licin, so aku pilih untuk lompat atas pelepah kelapa sawit kat seberang parit tu..

PRAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aku: pelepah ni patah ke? Nape kaki aku rase lembik? Jangan2.. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH...

Aku rebahkan badan aku then aku berguling2 jatuh dalam parit tu.. slamat xde air.. group aku dengar bunyi prakk n bunyi aku jerit so diorg pusing balik pergi kat aku.

Man: ko ok x?
Aku: kaki aku patah..
Man: terseliuh?
Aku: patah betul..

Diorg tengok kaki aku terkulai cam dalam video boxing dalam metacafe. Diorg turun bukak beg, weapon & uniform aku. Man kipas2kan aku dengan uniform. Weng suruh aku mengucap & bace fatihah. Seli & golo pergi cari instructor. Sujak & budu mintak tolong dari orang kampung.
Weng: camne bleh jadi camni?
Aku: pelepah tu tergelincir, kaki aku terlipat.
Weng: astagfirullah.. selawat banyak2

Man balut kaki aku dengan uniform. Alas dengan pelepah kelape sawit.

Man: ok x?
Aku: ok2

Makin lame makin xsakit dah. Budak2 ni buat lawak & aku boleh gelak2 dah. Tapi kalau gerak kaki kiri aku.. die punye sakit, pergh~ sujak bawak 2 orang berbangsa india yg tinggal kat kampung tu. Diorg bawak makanan. Nak hantar aku pergi hospital xboleh sebab kereta diorg rosak. Aku pun xberani nak kasi diorg angkat aku keluar dari situ. Takut jadi makin buruk.

Hari makin senja. Instructor x sampai lagi. Diorg letupkan thunder flash sebagai tanda emergency supaya instructor dapat dengar tapi xde org datang jugak. Then sujak nak tembak live bullet ke udara.

Sujak: aku nak tembak burst live bullet la..
Aku: jangan jak, nanti satu kerje pulak ko nak kne menjawab..

Time aku patah tu dalam 1815H tapi hari da gelap.. rescue xsampai2 lagi.. diorg start hidupkan unggun api. Ade jugak group lain lalu tmpat tu tp budak2 group aku xkasi diorg stop & tengok aku sebab takut akan jatuhkan moral diorg. So, diorg kasi aku rokok yg diorg dapat dari mane ntah. N kitorg makan biskut & air teh yg orang kampung tu kasi.

Man: uncle, ade tanik x? kasi die mabuk sket kasi hilang itu rase sakit.
Aku: xyah buat gile la.. aku ok je ni..
Man: hahaha

Tapi aku terfikir jugak camne dengan future aku? Boleh lagi ke aku nak fly? Biasenye orang2 patah ni kne grounded.. haish.. man tenangkan aku.. die crite pasal senior2 yang patah tp still boleh jadi best student kat flying centre tu.
Kitorg perasan ade tikus dalam parit tu.

Man: aku rase elok ko kluar la dari parit ni.. klau ade tikus, pemangsa die
mesti ade jugak.. aku malas la nak sebut
Aku: xpayah la man.. aku risau makin teruk la
Man: ok, kite nyalakan lilin dulu, kalau unggun api nnt ko jugak yg panas

So, diorg nyalakan lilin.. kat dpan & blakang aku. Rase cam diorg buat ritual memuja nombor ekor pun ade. Hahaha.. tp lame2 diorg rase kne kluarkan aku dari situ jugak & aku pun terpakse la merelakan. Tengah diorg nak angkat aku, nampak motor datang. Instructor sampai.

Instructor: tunggu situ sampai land rover sampai
Aku: ok. Weng, apsal land rover pulak? Askar gile.. mane pergi amblulance?
Weng: haha.. layan je la

So, xjadi kluarkan aku. Then land rover sampai.. diorg angkat aku pkai stretcher. Tapi kaki aku senget la pulak & aku xboleh control kaki aku tu. Baru la aku sedar kepentingan tulang ni. Huhu.

Aku: arghh.. man.. kaki aku senget..
Man: ok2..

Man betulkan kaki aku. Memang mase tu aku percayekan man je. Then aku suruh budak2 ni ambik barang2 aku & bekalan makanan. Sbb aku da xperlukan bende2 tu. Aku tau kurus survival aku da abes n lpas ni aku akan makan free dlm wad. Huhuhu.

Land rover gerak. Nak keluar ladang tu jalan agak bumpy so agak xbaik untuk kaki aku la sbb bile gerak, aku rase tulang tu mencucuk2 daging aku. So, aku mencarut je sambil didengari staff perubatan yg jage aku kat belakang.

Aku: oh shit! Fuck! Hadei! Hadei! Argh! Shit! Hadei! Rokok sikeettt…
Staff: ok tapi jangan kasi instructor ko nampak
Aku: ok2

So, land rover tu bawak aku sampai klinik kesihatan pantai remis. Sampai2 je aku dengar orang cakap2 kat luar land rover tu.

Orang: ape jadi ni? Hidup lagi ke?

Gile.. sampai ke situ orang tu fikir. Then medical attendant datang nak bawak aku masuk klinik kesihatan tu. Instructor aku, En. Amran nak bukak boot aku tapi gile ape.. saket dowh..

Aku: arrgghh..takpe2 encik.. saye bukak sendiri..

Padahal aku sendiri pun xdapat nak bukak tanpa rase saket. Huhu. Then datang orang klinik tu gunting tali boot & rentap terus.. pergh~ then diorg masukkan air dalam badan aku & bawak aku naik ambulance pergi ke hospital sri manjung. Dalam ambulance aku borak2 dgn nurse tu. Die ckp, dlm ambulance tu baru lpas ade org meninggal eksiden. Xsempat sampai hospital. Huh!? Then sampai hospital, aku nampak orang eksiden lagi. Cam satu family.. bangsa cina. Tapi luke2 je.

Diorg bawak aku pergi bilik x-ray. Time nak x-ray tu mamat tu suruh aku hold sendiri kaki aku.. pergh~ terketar2 aku tahan sakit. Then diorg bawak aku pergi bilik plaster P.O.P. ala.. yg korang panggil simen tu.. sampai situ, diorg nak luruskan balik kaki aku.. xde bius ke ape PAP! Diorg rentap & tarik je kaki aku. Pergh~ meraung la aku. Instructor aku tengok gelak2.. hehehe.. ade ke..

Then diorg bawak aku pergi masuk wad. Instructor aku kene balik dulu. So, aku lepak la sorang2. nurse suruh aku tukar baju wad yg kaler ijo tu.. tp aku prefer pkai uniform aku.. nampak cam askar yg gugur dlm medan pertempuran sket.. cheyh~ huhu.. tp aku xboleh gerak so diorg gunting seluar aku.. dalam seluar tu pulak ade seluar lagi.. n makcik2 tu banyak komen pulak.. huhuhuhu.. tibe2 datang sorang doc ni nak check. Mude lagi. Bangsa India. Sangat lemah lembut. Sopan santun. Tapi die nak check kaki aku so, nak bukak balik plaster.. gile la.. bersusah payah aku tahan sakit time diorg balut. Skang kne bukak balik pulak.

Then aku tidur. Esok tu nurse suruh aku blajar pkai wheel chair. Mule2 susah tp pastu sronok jugak. Huhu. Boleh la aku gerak2 pergi tengok tv. Tp aku da start rase bosan. En. Amran datang bawak berus gigi & makanan sket. Aku mintak die belikan aku surat khabar pasal bosan tahap gaban da.. then die ckp pasal nak pindahkan aku ke hospital tentera kat lumut tp nurse nasihatkan aku pergi hospital ipoh. So, instructor follow je la. Lagipun senang duty officer nak check.

Ok jugak sbb best friend aku tinggal kat ipoh (mase tu best friend lagi la… huhuh) boleh la die tengok2kan aku.. huhuhu.. so aku naik ambulance pergi hospital ipoh pulak.

leaving on a military truck (part II)

2009-05-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

*my poyo pic.. huhu

tomorrow i'll be leaving again for our final combat training
that will conclude my military training here
for 4 freakin years..

after that i will start the training for my passing out parade..
yeay!~ free education completed, finally..
dip in mechanical aeronautic engineering..
and a secure steady job awaits me..

its not easy to get here..
its not easy being here..

*to my beloved izzati nadzri,
have fun for ya bandung trip, k..
have a safe journey..

basketball

2009-05-27T06:02:00.000-07:00

this evening i played basketball despite my left leg injury..
i ran, i jumped and i laughed..
the doc advised me not to involve with strenuous activities..
but its been awhile since i laughed so much n had lotsa fun..

its not about winning the game..
but its the laughter & joy we had during the game..

thanx everyone..

few last steps.. for a long tough journey..

2009-05-22T05:21:00.000-07:00

i shouldn't be saying this since im in military but..
GGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
since the final examination, the pressure keep coming continuously...
weeks under the heat of kedah sun-drenched weather..
followed by 8,10,12,14,16km of running with heavy loads on my body over 10kg..
WITHOUT A DAY OF REST
and another few more days in the jungle..

my left leg just recovered..
im not sure if i could face it and survive..

all the best, syahmin!
may the force be with me..
yea.. of course, since im in the air force..
lol..

and when its all over..
i will be preparing for my big day..
commissioned by his majesty..
an officer in the air force..
and a steady job finally..

"an officer and a gentleman"
thats what they keep telling us
here at the officers training centre..
poyo siot~

-leaving on a military truck-

2009-05-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

so tomorrow i'll be leaving for a military stuff i wont have to mention over here..
the first time i wont be contacting her for a day or more since we became an item..

i'll be back by friday so i hope she will be fine without me..
dont be sad.. have fun..
i'll be back..
i promise..

2009-05-02T03:01:00.000-07:00

i feel like screaming but i dont know why...
like too many things on my mind i dont wanna think about but i have to..
just let me shout.. let me scream.. let me curse..
like a silent volcano waiting to explode..
why? why? why?
is it because of simple little things i ignored as i always did?
this is not me.. definitely not me..'

April 19th

2009-04-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

Its 1215H and the bell starts ringing.. “damn.. its Sunday, leave me alone..” I was lying on my bed.. and then I heard a voice “come on, wake up.. its time for lunch!”
“..yea, rite~” so i left my room and looked at the clock.. its about 15mins from 1230H.. “I still have time” so I laid myself on the couch and closed my eyes..

“hey, go get urself a shower, you stinky brat!” I heard a voice again.. but I was too lazy to move my ass.. it was Pejal, my housemate..
Pejal: I said go get yourself a shower, stupid! Its for your own good..
Me:hurm..
For my own good? Since when he became so concerned about me.. even he himself always left the house without taking a shower for lunch every time he becomes so lazy.. and im still lazy to move myself.. or even open my eyes..

Then I remembered about my clothes in the washing machine.. I forgot to hang them so I rushed to the back..
Pejal: finally..
I took my shower and felt quite refreshing.. “pejal got a point.. he’s right.. its for my own good” it was a really hot sunny day by the way..

Then I went for lunch.. pejal asked me;
Pejal: you weren’t on the phone with your girl this morning.. not as usual.. what happened?
Me: its Sunday.. im sure she’s still on her bed.. let her be.. she can only rest on Sundays..
An other friend: so, you guys just talk on working days eh? But not on weekdays.. *giggles
Me: not exactly, stupid!

She did called a few times n text me.. but she told me that she had an appointment with her doctor.. I don’t want to bother.. so, I went online, checking on my fb & fs.. reading birthday wishes from my friends and even strangers.. lol.. I never thought that they still remember my birthday since I was busy with my world and often forget to wish their birthdays..

Pejal came.. “hey, afiq said sergeant called you.. probably about your claim on medical equipment..
“-Oh, what is it this time”
So I shaved my beard.. but pejal asked me to have a game of football video game first until afiq confirmed it..

So we played until pejal received a call..
Pejal:ok, lets go..
Me: lets finish the game first..
Pejal: ok2
Then we walked to the ops room, but on the way, pejal told me to get in the social club first..
Me: wtf?
At first, I was thinking of ignoring him and just move to the ops room instead.. but maybe its ok to follow him.. I stepped into the social club and then………………

I saw to figures on the couch looking at me..
“who are they?”
……
”They look familiar..
……
“Why they look just like my gurl and her brother?”
……
“Yes, they are..”
……
“What are they doing here?”
……
“Why is the cake on the table?”
……

I was confused.. and it was a surprise from my girl.. WOAW~
Nothing like this ever happened in my life before.. then my friends came.. before I cut the cake, me n my girl received a video call.. it was from my family.. damn, they planned it together.. my friends, my family, and my gurl.. and yes, she was the mastermind.. lol.. so we had fun.. and I’m 22.. *sigh*

Baby, thanx for the surprise.. dat was so.. sweeettt.. and thanx from coming all the way from ipoh fer me.. I love you so much..
thanx, nur izzati bt muhd nadzri

-Stockholm Syndrome-

2009-04-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

I won't stand in your way
Let your hatred grow
And she'll scream and she'll shout and she'll pray
And she had a name
Yeah she had a name

I won't hold you back
Let your anger rise
And we'll fly and we'll fall and we'll burn
No one will recall
No one will recall

This is the last time I'll abandon you
And this is
The last time I'll forget you
I wish I could

Look to the stars
Let hope burn in your eyes
And we'll love and we'll hate and we'll die
All to no avail
All to no avail

This is the last time I'll abandon you
And this is
The last time I'll forget you
I wish I could

This is the last time
I'll abandon you
And this is
The last time I'll forget you
I wish I could
I wish I could

-untitled-

2009-04-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

im speechless..
i cant think of the words to say..
it was a bad day for both of us..
tommy's gone n ive ceated a trouble..

being in her place must've been hard..
but i hope dat she could survive..

WTF?

2009-03-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

ipoh, 9 MAC

aku lepak sorang2 kat taman depan stesen keretapi ipoh sambil smoking..
pastu tibe2 datang sorang pakcik dalam umur 40-50an..

Pakcik: Hai

Aku angkat tangan kat die..

Pakcik: Ramai orang india mabuk la depan tu.. risau pakcik..

Aku: Ouh..

Tanpa dipelawa, pakcik tu duduk sebelah aku..

Pakcik: buat ape sini?

Aku: saje je lepak.. tak boleh tidur.. tidur kat hotel tu malam ni..

Pakcik: oh.. belajar lagi?

Aku: a'ah.. pakcik kerje ape?

Pakcik: kerje dekat pejabat peguam

Aku: pakcik lawyer la eh?

Pakcik: boleh la

Aku: ouh.. dulu saye ingat nak study law jugak

then kitorg sembang pasal lawyer

Aku: last time saye datang ipoh ni, saye terlantar kat hospital sebab kaki saye patah

Pakcik: ouh.. mane yang patah?

pakcik tu picit2 kaki aku.. then kitorg sembang pasal jenayah pulak

Pakcik: dulu kat sini ade dua org strangers tu mule2 baik je sembang sampai macam ni

sambil letak tangan atas bahu aku

Pakcik: tapi lepas tu salah sorang kluarkan pisau mintak duit

Aku: ouh..

Pakcik: malam makin sejuk ni.. kalau kene dakap sedap jugak

Aku: ok la pakcik.. makin sejuk ni.. saye nak naik dulu.. nanti risau esok lambat bangun pulak terlepas bas..

pakcik tu hulur tangan nak salam..

Pakcik: saye naim

Aku: syahmin

Pakcik: tidur sorang kan kat bilik.. perlukan teman dakap tak? sejuk ni..

Aku: erk.. takpe lah..

Pakcik: Nak pakcik dakap x? sejuk2 ni sedap kene dakap..

Aku: .....

then aku blah dari situ.. gile punye gay.. dah tuwe2 pun.. patut la aku prasan kat kaunter tiket keretapi, die asyik usha aku je..

-the PAST-

2009-02-27T22:15:00.000-08:00

Wednesday,31st December

Penang, 1 hour before the clock hits 12,

its fun to be out of the fuckin military college
where finally there will be no rules
we were having fun.. enjoying ourselves..
we know its everything we want

tomorrow

2009-02-22T07:03:00.001-08:00

finally.. tomorrow i will get my ass out of kedah..
away to KL for an appointment at the I.A.M. RMAF KL base..

i still remember after SPM, me and fizree applied for MAS cadet,
the passion came when someone from pahang department of blah.. blah.. blah..
keep calling me captain syahmin (an aircraft captain) when he was briefing
SMART student of my age..

but then 1 day i read this advertisement of joining the military pilot..
at first i was not interested.. but then my aunt really urged to try..
so i applied.. being in military was not something on my mind.. i rather be in police department since i was active in police cadet back in my school days..

so i went to the interview for 10 days.. i survived n i did it..
i went back to kuantan n think about the offer.. being in military?
can i make it? will i survive? damn it.. it was really an important decision..
the decision that will lead the path of the rest of my life..
do i really want to be in military? actually not..

but my family seems excited that i passed the interview..
so i think its ok.. i would do it for them.. for my family..
so on 28th may 2008, i left kuantan for alor star..
start a new chapter of my life..
kuantan..
where i was born and raised for nearly 18 years..
n finally i left the town..

on 070605.. ive sworn to be a soldier, to protect the country..
which means i cant leave the service..
but then my sis revealed that they hid the offer from matric & uitm (law) from me so dat i wont turn back on my decision..
she also revealed that i got the offer from MAS after ive sworn to be in the military.. DAMN!

my squad, diploma cadet officers class of 2008..
59 bloody cadet officers with 1 aim - to become an RMAF aviator
we've been through lots of pain & joy..
creating comradeship among us..
changed the way we think.. learned to survive in pain..
working under pressure..

in order to become a military pilot..
a personnel must get through the survival course..
as like a license to get to the no.1 flying training centre..

so i got my left tibia fractured during the survival course..
i kept thinking are they going to discharge me?
kick me out from the air force..
they didnt.. but they are going to send me to I.A.M
to checked whether im still fit for flying..

if not.. they would change me to other traits..
probably as a management officer, a logistic officer
or an air traffic controller..

which means not a pilot.. so.. i think its ok as long as she's still going to accept me.. im going to be an officer anyway.. a job.. but the passion in flying is still there..

so tomorrow i will start my journey to kl..
do pray for me k..

*I.A.M. = institue of aviation medical
*SMART = SEK MEN keb ABDUL RAHMAN TALIB
*im writing this while on d'phone with my gurl so pardon the language..
huhuh..

this morning

2009-02-21T16:29:00.000-08:00

this morning i woke up at 5.50am..
i can still hear her breathing on the phone..
i tried to wake her up to tell i must leave for breakfast..
she didnt answer.. nearly 6am so i rushed to the assembly field
before 6 so dat i wont be punished for being late..

after breakfast i ran back to my room..
she was still on the phone.. i tried to wake her up
but there was no reaction.. so i ended the call..
and call her again hoping the ringtone could wake her up..
but it failed no matter how many times i tried..

i called her house..
still there was no ansewer from anyone..
what the hell is going on?
is it my fault for letting her fell asleep?
damn it.. shouldve stayed much longer..

today..

2009-02-21T05:22:00.000-08:00

this morning i called her..
she told me she feels quite unwell..
so i told her not to go for work..
but later around 8 she said the human resource department just called..
so she had to go to the damn factory anyway..

n i was sleeping in the class during other groups' presentation..
until break, i called her.. she said she was planning on going back home..
everything seemed ok.. we laughed.. n her voice wuz like she's doing fine..

i had to go back to class so we sms..
planning on our date.. where can we meet.. n when..
until i fell asleep when i returned to tmn siswa..

been sleeping for more than 4 hours..
n when i woke up.. i recieved 17 misscalls..
but texted her saying im sorry n i had to go for dinner..
when i returned to my room.. i recieved offline messages from neex
asking where was i? her friend been calling me..

neex told me she fainted at her work place..
her nose was bleeding n now she's hospitalized..
so i called her but there was no answer..

until now im waiting for any news from neex..
i hope she's recovering.. n everything will be just fine..
n i can hear her voice again..

perhaps it was my fault for not doing my best to stop her when she was trying to ruin her life.. i was there like her diary listening to stories of her life..
i shouldve make her happy from beginning.. n have the guts to tell her my real feelings to her.. but i was afraid.. n it was stupid..
i just watched when she exchanged those fat guys without stopping her..

if only i had the strength from beginning, maybe i could prevent this from happen..
but i was blind.. so damn blind to see.. shit..
i just want to be with her..
i still remember the day i broke up with my ex..
i said its ok because i still have my soul mate by my side..
but if she's disappear too.. i dont know what to do..
probably going to end up losing my direction..

so bby,
get well soon..
i need u..
so bad..

If I Am

2009-02-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

So your standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall.
So far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly,
Im not content to crawl...
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith
I want to be with you forever,
If tommorows not too late...

But its always too late when youve got nothing
So you say...
But you should never let the sun set on tommorow,
Before the sun rises today...
If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...

So your walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But youre so far gone,
That you dont see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that youve been handed
For though you cannot fly,
Youre not content to crawl...
And its always too late when youve got nothing
So you say...
But you should never let the sun set on tommorow,
Before the sun rises...

If I am
Another waste of everything you hoped for,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So youre standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...

The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You dont talk of dreams,
I wont mention tommorow.
And we wont make those promises that we cant keep...
I will never leave you..
I will not let you down..
I will never leave you..
I will not let you down..

Feb 20th

2009-02-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

it's 30 mins past 12.. been a month since she became mine.. i called but there was no answer.. it makes me even more worry of whats going on.. i didnt sleep last night.. i was there with her.. listening to every single words she said.. shes unwell.. her health condition.. she was crying because of her pain.. i wish i could be there with her.. take a good care of her.. but my life stuck in a place where rules are everything.. everything should be done in proper way.. damn i hate rules when the rules is the thing been keeping me away from her.. i wish i could become invisible and appear in her town.. her house.. by her side.. even in her sleep, i can tell she was struggling with her pain.. if only i could find the right elixir for her.. whatever its takes.. whatever it costs.. but still.. i believe the pain is just temporary.. soon it will be gone and my juliet will have a happy life by my side till the end of our lives..

-25 things-

2009-02-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

1) im missing my hometown
2) i hope that i could graduate by june
3) im a bloody RMAF cadet officer
4) aviation is my current obsession
5) ive lost my mobile phone last 2 months
6) im a big fan of final fantasy series
7) currently studying in air force college, alor star (dip in mech aeronautic eng)
8) taken n madly in luv with nur izzati bt muhd nadzri
9) currently using my old nokia n-gage QD with 3 different sim cards
10) currently following naruto & bleach manga & anime
11) not quite friendly, its hard for me to start a conversation with strangers
12) i can sleep anywhere at anytime
13) got my left tibia fractured when i went for survival course, last june
14) AB blood type
15) im so not into politics
16) i hate sore throat!
17) i miss involving with sports n enjoying the game
18) spent 4-5 months walking with crutches (but i received special care from airlines stewardess though.. huhuhu)
19) taylor swift - love story reminds me of her
20) my fate will be decided on feb 24th at institute of aviation medic, kl
21) i sing negaraku everyday
22) doraemon comic was the 1st reading material i read in my life
23) been collecting transformers figures
24) family 1st!
25) my priority is to make her happy no matter what

-Turn Back the Pendulum-

2009-02-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

HE

He's been thinking.. What if he just burst out the words.. tell her what she feels about her.. But he was afraid.. afraid that he might lose her forever.. All he ever wanted was for them to be together.. Being together as she's the last for him.. He really hopes that he could reach her hand and she would pull him out of the dark side of loneliness.. To him, she's the only one left for him.. like a diary where he could share the misery life of chasing his uncertain future.. She gave him the fuel that he needed to burn and accelerate.. Make him laugh and happy.. but things have changed since she was taken by a monster who keeps her trapped in a prison of promises.. he really feels he's losing her.. day after day.. she's getting far and far away..

SHE

She seems happy with her new guy.. He fills all her needs.. and do so much things that even he would be out of hands..

so he tells himself that maybe she has found the right person for her.. initially, she never complained.. praised her new guy like he was the one.. the one who cured her with his own elixir.. she's been hurt for far too long.. and as her diary, he knows how deep the wound is and how painful it was when her trust was betrayed by the one she considered her other half..

but now she seems so happy.. happy with her new life.. he knows it is not right to burst out those words.. so he keeps his mouth shut.. for its the better way he could still be with her.. keeping those words in silence..

2 stories..

2009-01-26T17:03:00.000-08:00

been awhile since the last time i wrote.. probably quite busy since the new semester have started.. yea its my last semester.. yay!~ cant wait to get my ass outta here..

so.. i wanna tell u guys 2 stories bout friendship n lurve.. (sial.. adekah aku sudah bertukar menjadi seorang mat bunge?? tidak!)

1st story:
i read this story somewhere..
its about a guy n a gurl..
they were friends since little..
best friends..
until the time when they grew up..
this guy keeps a feeling to the gurl..
but he didn't know how to tell her..
and he was afraid that he might
ruin things up..
so he just keep his mouth shut..

1 day
the guy met the gurl and about to tell her his feelings..
but the gurl said she had something to tell him..
she said, she's already taken by another guy
so the guy said.. as a best friend, hes supporting their relationship

few months later
the guy couldn't take it anymore
he luvs this gurl so much
n he really need to tell her
he was afraid of losing her
so he went to her
but the gurl gave him a card
it was a wedding invitation
the gurl was about to marry that other guy
so the guy said he's happy for her

1 day, the gurl died..
the guy went to her funeral..
and he found her diary
it was written:

1 jan:
i told him that i have a relationship with another guy.. and he was ok..
has he not feel the same way i feel bout him? i love him more than just friends..
but he didnt mind at all.. he probably never love me the way i love him

20 nov:
i gav him my wedding card and i was really hoping that he would try to stop it or at least tell me that he luvs me but he didnt

all right now lets get to the 2nd story

2nd story

this guy knw this gurl through mirc..
and she was a friend of a friend of him..
they became close.. n closer..
before becoming best friends..

he kept all of her secrets..
deepest n darkest..
this guy was about to tell her that he likes her..
but a friend of him took her away after knowing about it..
"what a regret to tell him"- said that guy

so.. the guy found another gurl
n the gurl was with another guy
but they still contacting each other
sharing all their stories.. their probs.. their joy..
even when she got her hand fractured..
few years later the guy had her leg fractured too..

but later the guy was dumped by his gurl..
n his best friend, the gurl also left his guy
so the guy said.. this is probably the right time..
but he was afraid that he might jeopardize their friendship..
so he let it be.. n waited for the right time to tell her

but before the time comes..
the gurl told him dat she's with someone new..
he pretended he was ok but actually he was not..
so he said, as a best friend, he will support her relationship..
so he keep being a good listener to her..
bout everything.. even her relationship though its painful..

but 1 day..
the gurl suddenly said she wanted to be his..
so the guy thought she was joking..
until 1 day when she was crying..
n she said she couldnt take it anymore..
the guy was touched.. n finally he can tell her..
tell her dat he luvs her without hesitation anymore..
it used to be "i luv u, buddy.."
bt now the word buddy is no longer needed..
and they end up becoming an item..
and the couple live happily ever after

my best friend, my soulmate partner n my luv

-THE END-
clap.. clap..

its christmas..

2008-12-25T04:41:00.001-08:00

today the base was shut down for christmas
but we didn't get our break for christmas
they just give us outings
except for those from rajawali squadron
because they've won the sports carnival

so.. we made a plan to go to bkt merah resort..
with 11 cars participating the convoy
give ourselves a short getaway

yea it was fun..
when seniors and juniors mixed
forget about the damn military college
we had fun

About purple

2008-12-24T06:58:00.000-08:00

the ugly black crow just woke up this morning..
back to reality from his wonderland..
it was in his wonderland when he met his long lost purple..
purple used to be part of his life..
but now she's so far away..
and she's changed so much..

but why he keep seeing purple in his wonderland?
whenever he came to the wonderland..
and when the story was about luv..
why it has to be purple?
why not someone else?

purple left him years ago..
and deep inside he knw that he's just not the right guy for purple..
but purple keep coming to the wonderland..
and he just cant figure out the reason why..

but back in reality..
he has to face the fact..
that purple's out there chasing her dream..
and he was never part of it..

wake up, ugly black crow..
you have your own path..
your own dreams..
your own life..
wake up..

Aidiladha break..

2008-12-09T03:47:00.000-08:00

i left alor star on friday for penang..
it took about an hour traveling by bus to reach butterworth jetty..
then i took a ferry to the other side..
blah.. blah.. blah..
what im trying to say is..
i slept at the penang international airport..
whahaha.. it was already 2100H when i reached the airport..
but my flight was at 0730H so i asked the person at the information counter
where is the nearest hotel? and she said bout 5 mins from the airport..
by walking? she said no..

i was afraid that im gonna miss my flight
she suggested me to sleep at the airport..
so.. there i was..
sleeping on a massage chair.. lol..

i bought a few reading materials though..
1 of em is a novel,
"Eagle in the Sky" ceywah~..
but after reading few chapters,
i had this feeling;
"poyo punye crite" hahah
the reason i bought it because of the image of a fighter jet at the cover..
well its true what they said..
dont judge a book by its cover..

so i flew back to kuantan on the next morning..
i saw this family.. quite familiar..
so i spoke to the father.. when we arrived in kuantan airport..
uncle nordin.. his twin children were friends of mine..
childhood friends..
we played galah panjang.. cap selipar.. rounders
every evening with my sisters..
when i was like 5-10..
i asked him bout them..
nazim is currently working with him
at his company
while nadia is now a mother!
gosh~ been a long time..

then my parents met em
n we left the airport..
finally.. with my family..

i spent most of my time with them..
then my best buddies..
those ex-smatian..
yea im glad that we're still together..
since secondary school ntil now..
i still hang out with the same faces;
opi, ami, faliq, alimi
(hashim and others wasn't there that time)

on the morning of aidiladha
i saw 3 heads beheaded..
(not actually beheaded la)
huhuhu

n the next day.. i flew back to alor star..
damn..

An Unforgiven Sin

2008-12-01T03:54:00.000-08:00

this morning the whole squad went for obstacles training excluding me..
and my juniors went for firearms practice for few days..
so i hid myself inside a classroom doing nothing but reading a comic..

few minutes before 1000H when i almost finish reading the comic..
i heard a voice coming from behind the place i was sitting..
"cadet!"
so i thought maybe it was one of my friends trying to scare me..
in my head in would almost burst these words-
"ko nak ape siall!!?~" without looking behind..
but i had this feeling of maybe i should play safe
so i turned back..

holy crap! its the commanding officer..
the big boss in my place..
"what are you reading?" he asked..
me - comic, sir..
c.o- let me have a look..
so he checked the comic book..
c.o- why are you here?
me- i've been excused from physical training, so i dont have to go for obstacles,sir..
c.o- what happened to you?
me- i got my left tibia fractured, sir.. so i am excused from games, sports, and physical training, sir.. including boots..
c.o- when will you be recovered?
me- probably by this month the doctor will scan my leg for progress..
c.o- well then, read something beneficial
me- yes, sir..
so he hand me back the comic book.. and he left..

then few juniors came to me giving holiday pass for the whole squad..
finally i can go home.. back to my hometown for aidiladha..
although just for 5 days..

later in the evening..
i called my mom telling her the news
and asked her to get me the tickets..
the bus ticket to kuantan has already sold out..
meaning only an option left:-
"everyone can fly"

so my sis booked me flight tickets..
firefly.. which means i have to get to penang airport because there's no direct flight from AOR-KUA..
cant believe i have to spend that much again..
but its ok because i dont get the chance to go back that often..

but my battery was low so i charged it inside the classroom for a few mins..
i felt bored.. everyone was having their sports that evening..
so i kept the hp inside my bag.. and left the classroom..
i joined few people doing push ups
and later i saw my friends were walking around the base..
so i joined them.. and then we went to the basketball court..
watching some of us playing basketball..
a cool game i must say..

then i went back to the classroom..
reached my hand inside the bag..
but the hp is no longer there..
fuck! where did it i left it?
but i still remember putting the hp inside the bag after replying my sis's message.. so.. it could be stolen.. but i dont wanna put the blame on anyone but myself..
damn it.. who stole my old-model hp? the model is no longer in the market.. and i think the price is very cheap if you sell it back..

i double checked the bag.. but still the hp is no where to be found..
and i asked my friends if they see it.. but all answers were the same..
nobody seen it..

stupid.. fortunately i have another hp.. my old nokia n-gage..
each of us have more than 1 hp here in case the administration wanted to confiscate our hp, we have a dummy.. so now im using my dummy the nokia n-gage.. but i asked a friend of mine to get me new numbers.. and i will claim my old number back during this incoming break.. damn it, i really love my nokia 3250 though my friends always told me to buy a new hp..

to the thief, if you are reading this.. please gimme back my memory card because it contains lots of precious memories with high sentimental value to me..

-LD-

Blue and Yellow

2008-11-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

and its all in how you mix the two
and its starts just where the lights exist.
its a feeling that you cannot miss
and burns a hole
through everyone that feels it..

well you never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
wont come your way
well you never find it
if you're looking for it..

should've done something
but i've done it enough
by the way, your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you..

and you never would have thought in the end,
how amazing it feels just to live again,
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
It burns a hole, through everyone that feels it.

Well you're never gonna find it,
If you're looking for it, won't come your way
Well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste some time with you.

Time with you... time with you time with you
Waste some time with you... waste some time with you

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

*to whom it may concern..

A Little Piece Of Heaven

2008-11-12T01:57:00.000-08:00

yea.. the song you're listening from my page right now is "A Little Piece of Heaven" by Avenged Sevenfold from my video playlist.. it's kinda creepy and violent but why do i like this video so much? its because of the creative idea of how the story line of the video is..

it's about a guy who couldn't handle rejection so he decided to do such stupid psychotic decision- killing his gurl by stabbing her 50 times and ripped her heart out right before her eyes.. but he loved this gurl so much so he took care of her even though she's nothing but a dead body..
but one day, the gurl came alive from death and she did the same thing.. killing him by ripping his heart out right before his eyes..
and they both finally met in the underworld.. that's when the guy begging for her forgiveness and the gurl gave him a chance..
it was in a church where the couple get married after killing all other people inside it.. including the priest who later became a ghost as well.. showing his dissatisfaction to the couple.. and the couple live happily ever after..

the thing is.. i couldn't handle rejection myself so i decided not to make any approach to anybody for now.. but its not that i'm gonna kill that gurl after being rejected or whatsoever.. i just dont wanna risk myself with the humiliation and i dont know why.. but i know the ground i'm standing and where i belong so i know that dont deserve a goddess from the sky.. and i'm not that DESPERATE!~

my priority is my studies & career.. after the video a lil' piece of heaven is the video of RMAF 50th anniversary fly past formation by the great pilots (flying instructors) of the air force college here.. i wish i could be like 'em..
"heroes of the sky"

do pray for me, k..

-LD-

On a Day Like Today

2008-10-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

what a day.. today is the 2nd day of study week but so far nothing is in progress..
they started to post our carry marks on the board and i found the result for my algebra 2 was so frustrating.. Prof should've understood of my current condition.. why i didn't attend his tutorial & quiz because i had another class to attend (aircraft structures).. even Capt Syzl helped me for my flight mechanics because he knows the difficulties i have to face and how it affected my studies although i thought he was the meanest lecturer there is..

its been a tough semester for me that i had walk with crutches.. climbing those stairs up to level 3 for lectures.. my movement is still limited.. its hard for me to study by myself so i need to move to other houses just to study.. damn.. because of the metal inside my left tibia, i may have lost my chance to fly(hopefuly not) but i dont wanna lose the chance to serve the air force as an officer..

and i just dont have the guts to face prof just to discuss this matter.. all i can do now is pray.. and get my lazy ass workin..

god, please give me the strength that i need..

-LD-

i can finally walk again!~

2008-10-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

this morning i went to hospital sultanah bahiyah for an appointment..
i was accompanied by afiq and we were waiting for an hour for the transport..
he should have been with the royal thailand air force cadets..
accompanying their visit to the butterwoth air base.. but he was with me instead..
and once we arrived, we waited for almost 3 hours to see the doctor..
there were too many people..
it was then.. the doctor told me the good news..

"you can walk.. no need to rely on those crutches anymore.." she said..
yippie!! after all these 4 months, i don't have to carry those crutches anymore..
or.. the crutches carry me.. whatever!~

can i run? can i jump from 12 feet wall? can i carry log on my shoulder?
she advised me not to do so.. huhuhuhu.. which means i can still have my rest..
escaping all those military exercises.. whahaha!~

hell ya, buddy.. i am so happy right now..

-LIL DEMON-

wut the hell am i doin here!!?

2008-10-11T21:24:00.001-07:00

hurm..!? me? writing a blog? wtf?
well actually it seems like i have nothing else to do..
then wut about studies? fuck it!!
i have a problem concentrating the lectures in class
so.. its hard for me to study by myself.. i need a tutor..
not a lecturer standing in front of the class mumbling bout nuthin
but ways to make myself sleepy..
all the calculation makes me feel like counting sheeps..
really.. during my school days i was not good in physics & add maths..
but now here i am doing engineering..

ENGINEERING!!!? what the hell!!?
well its the only course offered here at the air force college..
have to go through diploma in mechanical aeronautical engineering
in order to become a military aviator.. and a leftenan in the RMAF..
if its not because of aviation, i would've not be here..
probably having fun like my friends out there hangout with buddies,
dating, watching movies, going nowhere..

but me.. my gurl dumped me just because i cant spend most of my time with her..
it feels like im living in an other world different than yours..
trapped in a prison.. sticked with a tight daily routine..
its like a curse for generations of cadets..
dumped once we stepped our feet here..
at least that's what my seniors told me..

my interest is actually.. archeology.. i was more into history during my school days..
i enjoy reading things happened in the past.. i have this curiosity in other places history, cultures, and ancient civilization.. my friends laughed at me for spending hours reading articles in wikipedia.. does it makes me a weirdo? i dont know.. i like topics like:-
wars- nanking massacre.. D-day.. japanese occupation of malaya.. american civil war..
ancient or extinct civilization- maya civ.. machu pichu.. those written in Al-Quran.. n even Bible.. persian.. roman.. greek..
and many more..

in my past, my ambition was to be an archeologist but what about job opportunity?
so i chose to be here.. the air force college.. at least i got paid to study.. yea the government pay me monthly to finish my dip.. but i have to sacrifice my wonder years.. for the sake of my future.. hell ya!

well.. thats all for now folks..

-LIL DEMON-